You live four states away from your parents. Unfortunately, you don’t get to see them as often as you’d like. While you certainly don’t want to feel like a secret operative on a reconnaissance mission while visiting over the holidays, that time spent with your parents is the perfect opportunity to look, listen and gather information about just how well they’re doing.
If your parents are like most of their generation, they cherish their independence. That generation lived through the chaos of the Great Depression and World War II, and now many fear a loss of control and fight to hang onto their freedom as long as possible. No doubt you want that freedom for them, too. However, it’s important that you’re able to recognize when “as long as possible” turns into “too long.”
Elder care specialists agree that it shouldn’t take a crisis — a fall or, worse yet, a heart attack or stroke — to see that your parents aren’t caring for themselves as well as they used to. Beyond health issues, here are a few simple signs from local specialists that your loved ones may need extra help:
• Are they not taking their medications or are they taking them incorrectly?
• Is their clothing dirty?
• Is their housekeeping slipping?
• Have they left the stove on?
• Are they not maintaining safe heating and cooling temperatures in their home?
• Are they losing weight? • Does the food in the refrigerator look old?
• Have they lost interest in activities?
When you’re visiting, you can keep close tabs on your parents. But on a day-to-day basis, you’ll often need to rely on others to give you the scoop. Neighbors and friends can provide additional sets of eyes and ears, though a physician can often be your best cohort, advises Lauren Friedman, director of marketing for The Towers, formerly Beaufont Towers, an independent and assisted living community in Richmond.
Of course, physicians can assess your parents’ health, but they can also serve as a powerful advocate when it comes to assisted living decisions. While your parents may not listen to your suggestions (after all, to them you’re still 12), their generation is quick to heed the recommendations of an authority figure.
Just as you shouldn’t wait for an emergency to find care for your parents, you also shouldn’t wait to determine who will provide the care. Will you bring care into their home? Will they live with you? Will they move into an assisted living community?
“It’s very important to start the talk early before a crisis starts,” advises Donna Buhrman, business development coordinator at Imperial Plaza, a Richmond independent and assisted living community. “When a crisis happens, the decision has to happen very quickly.” Another specialist, Susan Umidi, supervisor of adult services for Henrico County’s Department of Social Services points out, “It’s important to remember that it’s an individual decision. As much as possible, the person should be a participant in the decisions that will affect their quality of life.”
But Umidi stresses that your priority should still be to maintain as much independence for your parents as possible. “Our goal is to assist the person to remain independent in their own home and to provide supportive services so they can stay,” she says. “But as it becomes more and more difficult to maintain independent living, we help the person and/or responsible parties find a level of care where they can live as independently as possible but are safe.”
To help keep your parents from sitting in the dark, Dominion Virginia Power offers a third-party notification program that will alert you if your parents are at risk of having their service disconnected. Without obligation or responsibility for the bill, you can assist as wanted with arrangements to continue service without interruption. For more information, visit www.dom.com. Keyword: Third Party Notice
