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Now or Never
Florida philanthropist Ruth Eckerd and my mother were friends, but darned if I can remember how come.
And there’s nobody to ask.
They’re all gone.
If only I had asked Mom about people in her address book during some of our quiet caregiving times together. Hearing, telling or writing stories is especially rewarding when infirmities limit outside activity.
Summing up a life is one of the tasks of maturity. Memoir expert Jane Taylor McDonnell, in Living to Tell the Tale, calls the process “a second chance at life.”
Many of us who have lost parents and kinfolk wish now that we had listened more and talked less.
There’s still time if they’re still around. Even people with mild to moderate dementia can often recall their youth — and yours.
“What most people want to know, really, are the stories,” says retired teacher Nancy Wheeler, a professional biographer and editor.
Memoir instructor Kirsten Taranto, a former Arlington County aging specialist, encourages clients to “write so your adult children know who you are as a human being. People don’t really want a chronological review of your life. … [You can] write just about a segment of one’s life, a part that has been significant, like an illness, a divorce, a death or a time that has been especially happy.”
Know something about “the culture and the society that they grew up in, and lead them into a discussion about things from that era through casual conversation,” says Dr. Dale Hanks, a retired rehabilitative services director and occasional memoir instructor.
HERE’S HOW: 8 TIPS
Start anywhere, Wheeler suggests: “People can be reluctant to begin. I try to zero in on what the person most wants to talk about, and let them start there.”
Go anytime. Would-be listeners also may hesitate to start. They’re afraid they won’t have time, which is a concern for caregivers. No problem. When you’ve stopped listening or need >90 to go, say thank you and depart. If you leave questions or photos, a care recipient may enjoy thinking about them until your next visit.
Slow down. Nobody likes to be rushed when he or she is trying to be thoughtful. Don’t constantly interrupt or state your views.
Record. Though some people clam up in front of a recorder, most people eventually ignore it. Wheeler uses two tape recorders in case one fails.
Get details and dates, or just the era. “If you can’t remember it exactly, make it up, as long as it’s not a great whopping lie,” Taranto says. What she means is that no one ever remembers all the facts. “Sometimes the imagination has to be used to fill in the details.”
Develop questions. Hanks’ list of “memory joggers” includes childhood playmates, family vacations, teachers, holidays, neighborhoods and military service.
When writing, “Throw caution to the wind,” Taranto adds. “Don’t listen to that ‘nasty old schoolteacher’ in your mind who might have told you your writing is no good.”
Include humor, Taranto continues. “That is what makes writing really good. Humor breaks up a monotonous or overly serious story. … It’s always good to poke a little fun at yourself.”
THE HARD HISTORY – AND BENEFITS
“Some people,” Wheeler says, “don’t want to talk about problems or difficult relationships. Pick up from their cues.”
Hanks and Taranto think relatives should learn about difficult people.
“This is kind of perverse in a way,” Hanks says, “but I’ve read much family history, and there’s a tendency to present all ancestors as really wonderful people. Of course, they weren’t.”
Disclosures of hard history are invaluable, writes Dr. Barry Grosskopf, author of Hidden in Plain Sight: Getting to the Bottom of Puzzling Emotions.
Unknown family secrets, even generations back, can still cause significant emotional trouble for those who are unaware of ancestors’ traumas, Grosskopf says. Knowing secrets heals.
Finally, transcribe, Wheeler says. “It’s not going to do any good to keep it on a tape; it’s not going to get heard.”
Capturing a life in print, she adds, “is a real gift that you’re giving the person that they’re anxious to say, but nobody else necessarily wants to hear. Anybody who sits down with an older person and gives them this kind of time will really benefit from it in ways they never expected.”
Betty Booker is a retired Richmond Times-Dispatch reporter andcolumnist. Contact her at
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